Social Connectedness, Intimacy, and Emotional Loneliness
Many individuals who rely on an overcontrolled coping style may appear outwardly capable, composed, and self‑sufficient. They often manage responsibilities well, maintain high standards, and value independence. Yet beneath this surface competence, there is frequently a quieter struggle—emotional loneliness. Radically Open Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (RO‑DBT) was developed in part to address this exact dilemma: how excessive self‑control, while once adaptive, can interfere with social connectedness and intimacy.
Understanding Emotional Loneliness in Overcontrol
Emotional loneliness is not simply about being alone. Many individuals with overcontrolled coping styles are surrounded by people—colleagues, family, acquaintances—yet still feel unseen, disconnected, or emotionally distant. This type of loneliness emerges when inner emotional experiences are consistently hidden, minimised, or tightly managed.
Over time, habits such as emotional inhibition, perfectionism, and reluctance to rely on others can limit opportunities for closeness. While these strategies may reduce vulnerability in the short term, they often increase isolation in the long term.
How Overcontrol Disrupts Connection
RO‑DBT views social connection as a biological need rather than a personal weakness. From this perspective, intimacy depends not only on what we say, but on the signals we send to others through facial expression, tone of voice, body posture, and emotional openness.
Individuals with overcontrolled coping styles may:
- – Appear emotionally neutral or distant despite caring deeply
- – Prioritise self‑reliance over mutual dependence
- – Suppress emotional expression to avoid burdening others
- – Rely on logic and problem‑solving at the expense of emotional sharing
These patterns can unintentionally signal disinterest or unavailability, even when the desire for closeness is strong.
RO‑DBT and the Science of Social Signalling
A central focus of RO‑DBT is social signalling—the subtle, often unconscious cues that shape how others experience us. Human connection is built through reciprocal signalling: warmth, openness, responsiveness, and emotional expression.
RO‑DBT helps individuals become more aware of how their internal experiences translate into external signals. Small shifts—such as softening facial expression, sharing a genuine emotional response, or tolerating moments of uncertainty—can dramatically change how safe and inviting others feel in connection.
Importantly, RO‑DBT does not aim to remove self‑control entirely. Instead, it helps individuals learn when control supports their values and when loosening control may foster deeper intimacy.
Re‑Learning Intimacy Through Openness
Intimacy requires risk. For individuals with overcontrolled coping styles, this risk often feels profound. Letting others see emotional needs, uncertainty, or vulnerability can activate fears of rejection, shame, or loss of control.
RO‑DBT supports individuals to practise gradual openness rather than dramatic disclosure. This may include:
- – Sharing emotional experiences in real time
- – Expressing preferences or needs directly
- – Allowing others to influence thoughts or decisions
- – Staying present with discomfort instead of withdrawing
Through repeated practice, individuals learn that openness often strengthens relationships rather than threatening them.
From Self‑Sufficiency to Shared Humanity
A key shift encouraged in RO‑DBT is moving from rigid self‑sufficiency toward interdependence. Healthy intimacy does not mean losing autonomy—it means allowing mutual influence, care, and emotional exchange.
As individuals reduce emotional masking and increase social signalling, many experience:
- – Greater depth in relationships
- – Increased sense of belonging
- – Reduced emotional loneliness
- – A felt sense of being known and accepted
Connection becomes something lived and embodied, not merely understood.
Emotional Loneliness Is Not a Personal Failure
RO‑DBT frames emotional loneliness as an understandable outcome of coping strategies that once helped individuals adapt, survive, or succeed. There is no blame in recognising that these strategies may no longer serve current relational needs.
By approaching connection with curiosity rather than self‑criticism, individuals can experiment with new ways of relating—ways that balance competence with warmth, and autonomy with closeness.
Final Thoughts
Social connectedness and intimacy are essential to psychological wellbeing. For individuals with overcontrolled coping styles, emotional loneliness is often not a lack of desire for connection, but a lack of learned pathways toward it.
Radically Open DBT offers a compassionate, science‑informed framework for reopening those pathways. Through increased awareness, flexible responding, and intentional openness, individuals can move toward richer, more satisfying relationships—where they are not only respected for what they do, but known for who they are.
Maybe it’s time to be radically open.
Curious about whether RO-DBT is right for you? We have programs commencing four times a year in February, April, July and October. Our individual therapists can usually see you within a week of your initial contact.
You can get in contact with our team via email to intake@dbtclinics.com or go to our appointments page for more options at https://dbtclinics.com/appointments/